MY TURN column published in
The Courier-Post
November 11, 2007
by Doug Otto
As boomer couples approach retirement, many are finding that how they spend their time is being re-shaped, especially their time together and their time apart.
My wife and I have been married for 32 years. One of the bedrocks of our relationship has been our recognition that we need to continue to grow individually and as a couple. Because we have always worked, we have been required to stay current on the trends in our careers, and also to interact with a wide range of people.
This is nothing new to either of us, since both our fathers were corporate managers who traveled frequently, and our mothers worked outside the home. Consequently, we grew up a bit independent and self-sufficient.
Our approach has been to encourage each other's individual growth, not smother it. I liken our connection to that of epoxy glue, where the distinctive components of both tubes are mixed together to form a stronger bond.
In a new book, "Alone Together: How Marriage in America Is Changing" (Harvard University Press), Penn State professor Paul R. Amato and his research team discovered that husbands and wives today are increasingly developing their own networks of friends, joining different community organizations, pursuing separate hobbies and often going on separate vacations.
Despite what is often reported in the media, the studies in this book found the divorce rate per 1,000 people in the U. S. peaked in 1981 and there seems to be a new importance placed on the marriage vow of "til death do us part."
By these standards, my wife and I must be cutting edge. For years we have encouraged one another to take advantage of singular, high-interest activities that would add new perspectives to our personal lives and, in turn, our marriage.
Annually, Nadine travels to Greensboro, N.C., where she meets her former college roommate to attend the finals of the women's NCAA basketball tournament. Each November, she and a group of retired lady teachers choose a spot in the United States where they hold their own social version of the NJEA Convention. She has traveled to a health spa in Georgia and to Hawaii on spouse-less vacations, as well as to sisters-only gatherings along the Maryland shore.
I can't complain about being left behind. I attend the Writers at the Beach Conference in Rehoboth Beach, Del., each March, the biennial Geraldine R. Dodge Poetry Festival in Stanhope, Sussex County, regularly host my buddies for golf weekends at the Jersey shore, and for years I broke away for father-and-son weekends of camping, canoeing and hiking.
"When the relationship is intact, occasional separate vacations can add a terrific dimension to your marriage," says clinical psychologist, Dr. Ruth Peters, a contributor to NBC's Today show. "A committed monogamous relationship shouldn't mean giving up who you are or your independent activities: career, friends, interests or all previous traditions (ski trip with the guys, shopping in the city with the ladies)."
Dr. Allen Carter, a psychologist and professor at Morehouse College in Atlanta, agrees.
"I don't care how close you are to each other, sometimes you need that distance. It's part of any relationship, the need for closeness and the need for distance," Carter said.
There is certainly a powerful marital energy that results from working together to accomplish a project, whether it is raising a child, establishing a home or planning for those retirement years. But we also realize that there are times when both of us benefit from some quiet time alone. Early in our marriage, we established the acronym LMAT. It stands for Leave Me Alone Time.
There are many activities and interests that my wife and I continue to share. We are members of two dinner groups, we regularly go on "dates" to the movies or to the theater and we play golf together. Currently we are finalizing plans to attend the Edward Hopper Exhibit at the National Gallery of Art in Washington, combining a visit with our son.
In short, a good marriage necessitates communication, caring and compromise -- the three C's. If we married our clone, there would be little room for growth.
We choose to celebrate our dynamic differences in interests. But, if you happen to see us walking hand-in-hand down the Ocean City Boardwalk, you might just see our figures blend into one, as we continue walking straight ahead to our happily married futures.
Doug Otto is a private school superintendent living in Haddonfield, NJ. He writes feature articles for magazines and newspapers, and also leads writing and poetry workshops. He can be reached at DougOttoWrites@gmail.com
Published: November 13. 2007 3:10AM
