Lifelong secret: Leave me alone and we'll grow together

MY TURN column published in
The Courier-Post
November 11, 2007

by Doug Otto

As boomer couples approach retirement, many are finding that how they spend their time is being re-shaped, especially their time together and their time apart.

My wife and I have been married for 32 years. One of the bedrocks of our relationship has been our recognition that we need to continue to grow individually and as a couple. Because we have always worked, we have been required to stay current on the trends in our careers, and also to interact with a wide range of people.

This is nothing new to either of us, since both our fathers were corporate managers who traveled frequently, and our mothers worked outside the home. Consequently, we grew up a bit independent and self-sufficient.

Our approach has been to encourage each other's individual growth, not smother it. I liken our connection to that of epoxy glue, where the distinctive components of both tubes are mixed together to form a stronger bond.

In a new book, "Alone Together: How Marriage in America Is Changing" (Harvard University Press), Penn State professor Paul R. Amato and his research team discovered that husbands and wives today are increasingly developing their own networks of friends, joining different community organizations, pursuing separate hobbies and often going on separate vacations.

Despite what is often reported in the media, the studies in this book found the divorce rate per 1,000 people in the U. S. peaked in 1981 and there seems to be a new importance placed on the marriage vow of "til death do us part."

By these standards, my wife and I must be cutting edge. For years we have encouraged one another to take advantage of singular, high-interest activities that would add new perspectives to our personal lives and, in turn, our marriage.

Annually, Nadine travels to Greensboro, N.C., where she meets her former college roommate to attend the finals of the women's NCAA basketball tournament. Each November, she and a group of retired lady teachers choose a spot in the United States where they hold their own social version of the NJEA Convention. She has traveled to a health spa in Georgia and to Hawaii on spouse-less vacations, as well as to sisters-only gatherings along the Maryland shore.

I can't complain about being left behind. I attend the Writers at the Beach Conference in Rehoboth Beach, Del., each March, the biennial Geraldine R. Dodge Poetry Festival in Stanhope, Sussex County, regularly host my buddies for golf weekends at the Jersey shore, and for years I broke away for father-and-son weekends of camping, canoeing and hiking.

"When the relationship is intact, occasional separate vacations can add a terrific dimension to your marriage," says clinical psychologist, Dr. Ruth Peters, a contributor to NBC's Today show. "A committed monogamous relationship shouldn't mean giving up who you are or your independent activities: career, friends, interests or all previous traditions (ski trip with the guys, shopping in the city with the ladies)."

Dr. Allen Carter, a psychologist and professor at Morehouse College in Atlanta, agrees.

"I don't care how close you are to each other, sometimes you need that distance. It's part of any relationship, the need for closeness and the need for distance," Carter said.

There is certainly a powerful marital energy that results from working together to accomplish a project, whether it is raising a child, establishing a home or planning for those retirement years. But we also realize that there are times when both of us benefit from some quiet time alone. Early in our marriage, we established the acronym LMAT. It stands for Leave Me Alone Time.

There are many activities and interests that my wife and I continue to share. We are members of two dinner groups, we regularly go on "dates" to the movies or to the theater and we play golf together. Currently we are finalizing plans to attend the Edward Hopper Exhibit at the National Gallery of Art in Washington, combining a visit with our son.

In short, a good marriage necessitates communication, caring and compromise -- the three C's. If we married our clone, there would be little room for growth.

We choose to celebrate our dynamic differences in interests. But, if you happen to see us walking hand-in-hand down the Ocean City Boardwalk, you might just see our figures blend into one, as we continue walking straight ahead to our happily married futures.

Doug Otto is a private school superintendent living in Haddonfield, NJ. He writes feature articles for magazines and newspapers, and also leads writing and poetry workshops. He can be reached at DougOttoWrites@gmail.com

Published: November 13. 2007 3:10AM

The First Boomer Was A Jersey Girl

MY TURN column published in
The Courier Post
(August 28, 2007)

By Doug Otto

One of the more challenging aspects of writing a monthly column like this one, is generating a fresh topic. Sometimes it requires research and digging up facts; other times it jumps up and stares you in the face.

“Why don’t you write about the first baby boomer,” my executive assistant suggested.

“Great idea,” I responded. “If I only knew where to find him.”

“You mean ‘her’,” she said. “And all you had to do was ask me. We used to be neighbors, right here in South Jersey. Would you like her phone number?”

Always one to answer the door when opportunity comes knocking, I picked-up the phone and was soon speaking with Kathy Casey-Kirschling, identified as America’s honest-to-goodness official first “baby boomer,” born one second after midnight on Jan. 1, 1946 in Philadelphia’s St.Agnes Hospital. She grew-up in Pennsauken, attended Camden Catholic High School (directly across Cuthbert Boulevard from the Courier-Post), lived in Cherry Hill, and presently resides in Maryland, where she keeps a boat aptly christened: “First Boomer.”

While Casey-Kirschling doesn’t necessarily regard herself as the spokesperson for her generation, she has been depicted as the manifestation of a social phenomenon. She has experienced all the joy and pain that comes with notoriety: career, marriage, children, divorce, remarriage, grandchildren, and retirement.

I posed seven questions to her, gaining insight into our area’s brush with boomer history.

Q: When did you discover you were the “first boomer” ?

A: I was 34 years old in 1980, when I was contacted by Landon Jones, the editor of Money Magazine, who was writing a book, “Great Expectations: America and the Baby Boom Generation.” Through his research, he discovered that I was born one-second after midnight on January 1, 1946 in Philadelphia, and that I was considered the first boomer in the country. His book popularized the term, “baby boomer.” Since then, I’ve been contacted at all the important turning points, like when I turned 40, 50 and again when I turned 60.”

Q: How has the distinction of being “first” affected your life?

A: Well, everyone in the United States knows my age. It’s a good thing I’m not vain. Since my story has been told in many magazines and on television, I’ve been able to reflect on all the good and bad that has happened to us.

I don’t think I totally understood what being a boomer meant, even though I’m living through it. I’ve learned a lot more about all the influence we’ve had as a generation. Our generation did many great things, and there are a lot of great people in our generation. They also did a lot of very negative and selfish things. We were pretty self-absorbed at times. We wanted to change the world. We thought we could do anything.


Q: How has the media played a part in your life?

A: I’ve appeared on NBC's Today show, the CBS Evening News, and on CNN on New Year's Day. I’ve had articles written in Money Magazine and Smithsonian. In fact, I’m scheduled to be on a show later this month, broadcast from Washington, D.C., called the Daily Café. The topic, of course, is baby boomers.

I’ve co-authored a book, “More than a Bathroom Guide to Baby Boomers: A historically accurate guide to the past 60 years of the Baby Boomer Generation.” It is currently being restructured and reprinted, all 500-pages of it.


Q: What life/career path have you taken so far?

A: I was a late bloomer out of Camden Catholic High School. After some years as an x-ray technician, and getting married, I earned my Bachelor’s Degree in Nutrition. Then I attended St. Joseph’s University, and received a Masters Degree in Health Education. I taught middle school for 14-years: one year at the private Archway School in Atco, and then at Pennsauken Middle School, before retiring.

I went down to New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina as a disaster instructor; thousands of baby boomers came down to help. We want to stay useful. We have a drive to stay healthy and try to keep the energy up.

Q: What boomer milestones remain with you today?

A: There are three. The JFK assassination in Dallas tormented me. I remember vividly watching the funeral procession while in high school. Then there was the Viet Nam War. My first husband was a military doctor who was shipped-out one month after our wedding in1966. The third was the importance of the Civil Rights Movement during our time.


Q: What South Jersey memories do you have?

A: Oh, my years in high school were just the best years; they were fun and wonderful. I had great friends growing up in Pennsauken and lived in a great neighborhood. We would walk to Camden Catholic all the way from the other side of Route 130 and Browning Road.

I was in the glee club and all the plays, and I’m now on the school’s Reunion Committee. I danced on Dick Clark’s American Bandstand in Philly, and I was a semi-regular at Dancette in Oaklyn.


Q: What do you see ahead for the Boomer Generation, as we enter our retirement years?

A: Many of us are starting to deal with health issues like heart problems and diabetes. We never thought this would happen to us; we were never going to get old. Today many more of us are aware and have been educated; it’s still scary and kind of threatening.

From a professional standpoint, boomers are great workers who may not want to retire completely. We don’t want to give-up that control. We’ll have to make adjustments, as we look forward to many good, enjoyable years that don’t include sitting around in a rocking chair.


Doug Otto is a private-school superintendent living in Haddonfield, NJ, He writes feature articles for magazines and newspapers, and also leads writing and poetry workshops. He can be reached at: DougOttoWrites@gmail.com