Friendship: A must for this food group

MY TURN column
The Courier-Post
November 6, 2008

by DOUG OTTO

My wife and I moved from the farms and pinelands of rural Shamong to historic Haddonfield 25 years ago. We didn't know a soul. To get acquainted, we joined the Newcomers Club, a social organization that held monthly get-togethers including a townwide scavenger hunt and an annual holiday progressive dinner.

An offshoot activity was a gourmet group. Four or five couples would meet at members' homes for dinner every six weeks or so, with each couple bringing a part of the meal. The hosts selected the evening's cuisine and supplied the entree and beverages.

Our present dinner group has been intact since 1988, but we jokingly refer to ourselves as the "anything-but-gourmet group." While we have often ventured into the world of exotic and cultural epicurean fare, more often we can be found gathering for a chili cook-off, a hotdog at a Phillies game or a picnic on the beach.

During our two decades together, we have dined at Philadelphia's Restaurant School, invited a sommelier to an in-home wine tasting, and traveled to Gettysburg National Battlefield for a ranger-led guided tour and local food. The "gourmet" fathers and sons have camped on the Eastern Shore of Maryland and along the Delaware River, testing their outdoor campfire cooking skills. The ladies have trekked to New York City for Broadway shows, with mandatory Great White Way lunches and dinners.

Last month's gathering proved to be something extra special, however, as the group met at a member's second home in the Poconos, amid perfect blu- sky weather and a visual symphony of brilliant fall foliage. We hiked, canoed, photographed the scenery and read books on the deck overlooking the lake before sitting down to an evening of cocktails, conversation and a family-style meal.

The 12 of us sat around the table reminiscing first about our children, 15 in all. They had grown-up together, played sports or engaged in school activities with one another and were now all living on their own. We told stories about how we all first met, about our early careers and how it felt to be middle-aged empty-nesters heading into the next phase of our lives.

Here were a physician, an engineer, two lawyers, a biologist, a psychologist and chairs full of educators getting all mushy and sentimental. And we didn't care one bit.

What our little dinner group has really been dishing out all these years is a large helping of friendship, support and love. We've developed a special synergy, an easiness with being open with one another, borne of nights, days and weekends spent in the company of what has become an extended family. There have been informal walks around town, drop-in visits to each other's homes and phone calls just to keep in touch.

Together we've celebrated joyful moments: graduations, weddings, athletic events and the impending birth of a first grandchild. And we've supported each other in times of need: the death of a spouse, the loss of a job, a heart attack and surgery. Even the guys have been known to share unguarded occasions, when true feelings are expressed and souls are bared.

"Good interpersonal relationships act as a buffer against stress," says Micah Sadigh, an associate professor of psychology at Cedar Crest College in Allentown, Pa. "Knowing you have people who support you keeps you healthy, mentally and physically. You need friends you can talk to without being judged or criticized," he says.

After dinner on our Poconos trip, the group moved to the rustic living room to sit around the stone fireplace for dessert and wine. In the background, James Taylor, Boz Scaggs and Motown music played, and someone said the experience was starting to remind her of the movie "The Big Chill."

After a rousing word game resembling charades, the evening's conversation turned to thoughts of thankfulness. We all agreed that we were fortunate to live in a wonderful small town, to have found work we regard as rewarding, but especially to have met one another. Maybe it was the crisp mountain air or the day spent outside doing physical activity, but sleep that night was deep and renewing.

On Sunday morning, following a hearty breakfast of eggs and bacon, we all packed up, said our goodbyes and prepared for a three-hour ride through the Delaware Water Gap on the way back to South Jersey.

As our car rolled past cornfields browning in the late fall sun, my wife and I were mostly silent. I kept thinking about the weekend's events, our relationship with our friends and the neighborhood where we live. For some reason, Thornton Wilder's play "Our Town" crept into my thoughts. Maybe it was the theme of people appreciating life while they are still living it.

At home, I Googled "The Big Chill," and discovered the movie's tagline was "In a cold world, you need your friends to keep you warm." When I showed my wife, we both looked at each other and just smiled.

Civility: The lost art of caring

MY TURN column
The Courier-Post
October 5, 2008

by DOUG OTTO

Burnt Mill Road in Cherry Hill quickly merges from two lanes to one at the entrance to the EDS corporate building near Woodcrest Road. That's where I came face to face with another example of how the modern world is slipping further and further away from manners and civility.

One recent morning, I glanced in my rearview mirror and saw a sleek, red sports car gaining speed behind me in the right lane, as we approached the narrowing roadway. Without regard for safety or courtesy, the young woman driver sped past me, and jerked her steering wheel to the left, cutting me off. She never slowed down or signaled her intention to slide her car in front of mine.

When I indicated my displeasure by testing the decibel level of my car horn, the little princess thrust her left hand out the window, and, by using her middle finger, gestured that I was "No. 1."
"That's not happiness to see me, is it?" I thought, remembering a line from the 1998 movie, "A Perfect Murder," starring Michael Douglas and Gwyneth Paltrow. The title held a double meaning at that point in my day.

Less than 500 yards later, she turned right into an apartment complex, ending her journey, but raising my blood pressure for the remainder of mine. What was her dire need to pass me with such determination? Would it have been a sign of frailty to acquiesce this once, and follow me for the short ride to her destination?

I guess we can thank technology for distorting our modern concept of time. We become impatient if the copier doesn't spit out our work faster than we can snap our fingers or if our computer doesn't upload Web pages faster than we can take a breath. In our attempts to accomplish more, with blinding speed, we just might be blurring the lines of courtesy and good manners. Efficiency may be trumping respect, and we all are made less human in the process.

Back in the 18th century, a 16-year-old schoolboy by the name of George Washington took his first steps toward greatness by hand-lettering a list of 110 "Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior" for young gentlemen.
Maybe they could work today in a society and a world that appears to have lost its way.

For example:
"Every action done in company, ought to be with some sign of respect to those that are present."
Like ringing cell phones that disrupt meetings? And Bluetooth-talkers wandering in stores?

"Put not off your clothes in the presence of others, nor go out your chamber half dressed."
Britney, Paris and Lindsay take note; Janet's equipment malfunction doesn't cut it either.

"Use no reproachable language against anyone; neither curse nor revile."
There go the MPAA movie ratings and the Parental Advisory stickers on music CDs.

"Let not your morsels be too big for the jowls."
What? No super-sized fries?

"Associate yourself with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation; for it is better to be alone than in bad company."
How about corrupt politicians and greedy CEOs?

"Show nothing to your friend that may affright him."
Does that include rising DRPA bridge tolls, $4 per gallon gas, and the housing market?

Washington was not a Democrat or a Republican -- actually, he was a Federalist. But I'm certain his rules would soften the harsh approaches being used by Barack, John, Joe and Sarah to attack each other in the presidential campaign.

And just maybe they would realign the conscience of a certain young lady with a penchant for recklessly driving her red sports car on narrow roads and endangering others.

But, I still wonder if even Washington's rules could teach her to say: "Pardon me."


Doug Otto is a private-school superintendent living in Haddonfield. He teaches writing workshops and can be reached at DougOttoWrites@gmail.com

Buzzer Beaters: Creativity in the Second Half of Life

MY TURN column
The Courier-Post
March 5, 2008

by DOUG OTTO

On a frigid Saturday night recently, my wife and I found ourselves in Washington, D.C., attending the opening night of a play as the guests of my son, the show's sound designer.

During the cast party, Matt, 24, introduced us to the creative team: the playwright, director, lead actress, costumer, lighting designer, and stage manager. I stood back and observed the child I raised interacting with his artistic collaborators, inspired individuals who transported theatergoers into a magic world of light, sound and illusion.

I was awed by the collective talent, and wondered about the creative process.

How is it that some are divinely charged with the ability to shape familiar materials into new or unusual effects? Is creativity innate, or can it be learned and nurtured? Is being creative the domain of the young or can we become more creative as we age?

As an educator, I see the result of allowing children to creatively explore and interact with their environment. At the day-care center I oversee in Camden, more than 100 pre-schoolers bounce between the water table, sand area, and the dress-up corner, trying out, without criticism from peers or adults, the roles and relationships they will carry into their future.

With their children grown, today's baby boomers are rediscovering their creative pursuits, replacing child-centered activities with personal inspirations found in places like book groups, gourmet cooking clubs, and museum lectures.

John Krout, professor of gerontology and director of Ithaca College's Gerontology Institute in New York, writes, "There is a growing recognition among those who study aging that involvement in creative activities such as the arts can contribute significantly to well-being across a person's life span. The fact is, an older person doesn't have to be Picasso to embark on new creative pursuits or to continue lifelong creative endeavors."

My wife and her female friends have taken to monthly knitting and conversation get-togethers, and many in the group are also active watercolor painters.

Some believe that the approach of one's later life actually stimulates creativity with increased urgency, intensity and energy. Writer Ray Bradbury said, "We are all cups, constantly and quietly being filled. The trick is knowing how to tip ourselves over and let the beautiful stuff out."

To the ancient Greeks, the word inspiration literally meant being "breathed upon" by the gods, with creative thoughts being the result.

"Many people are now living into their 80s and 90s with reasonably good health," says Ithaca's Krout. "Because of this new demographic, we have a cultural imperative to explore and better understand how older people can continue to flourish creatively and remain engaged in and contribute to their communities."

I am encouraged to think that Goethe completed "Faust" at 80; Edison was busy in his laboratory at 84; Toscanini was conducting at 85; and poet Stanley Kunitz was writing meaningful verse at 100.

In his book, "The Creative Age: Awakening Human Potential in the Second Half of Life," Gene D. Cohen, M.D., Ph.D., points to four important factors for boomers. Creativity strengthens our morale in later life; contributes to physical health as we age; enriches relationships, and is our greatest legacy.

The Japanese have a proverb that reads, "I will master something, and then the creativity will come." Boomers have mastered many great life skills, developed many great talents. They have learned to recognize inspiration when they see or hear it, and now they are finding time to respond to it.

I've come to realize that creativity is not limited to the fine arts. I have seen creativity manifested in the teacher who creates a knowledge breakthrough with a struggling student, as well as in the salesman who creates opportunities for customer satisfaction. Everyday, in every workplace, we are called upon to use creative powers to advance assigned tasks, or at a minimum to try and move the clock on the wall faster toward 5 o'clock.

It doesn't much matter whether you get your creativity as an ardent participator, or as an arms-length observer/appreciator. When you invite your Muse to stand close by and shower you with the necessary inspiration, the spirit inside of you comes out to play, and create.

Doug Otto is a private school superintendent living in Haddonfield. He leads writing and poetry workshops and can be contacted at DougOttoWrites@gmail.com

Lifelong secret: Leave me alone and we'll grow together

MY TURN column published in
The Courier-Post
November 11, 2007

by Doug Otto

As boomer couples approach retirement, many are finding that how they spend their time is being re-shaped, especially their time together and their time apart.

My wife and I have been married for 32 years. One of the bedrocks of our relationship has been our recognition that we need to continue to grow individually and as a couple. Because we have always worked, we have been required to stay current on the trends in our careers, and also to interact with a wide range of people.

This is nothing new to either of us, since both our fathers were corporate managers who traveled frequently, and our mothers worked outside the home. Consequently, we grew up a bit independent and self-sufficient.

Our approach has been to encourage each other's individual growth, not smother it. I liken our connection to that of epoxy glue, where the distinctive components of both tubes are mixed together to form a stronger bond.

In a new book, "Alone Together: How Marriage in America Is Changing" (Harvard University Press), Penn State professor Paul R. Amato and his research team discovered that husbands and wives today are increasingly developing their own networks of friends, joining different community organizations, pursuing separate hobbies and often going on separate vacations.

Despite what is often reported in the media, the studies in this book found the divorce rate per 1,000 people in the U. S. peaked in 1981 and there seems to be a new importance placed on the marriage vow of "til death do us part."

By these standards, my wife and I must be cutting edge. For years we have encouraged one another to take advantage of singular, high-interest activities that would add new perspectives to our personal lives and, in turn, our marriage.

Annually, Nadine travels to Greensboro, N.C., where she meets her former college roommate to attend the finals of the women's NCAA basketball tournament. Each November, she and a group of retired lady teachers choose a spot in the United States where they hold their own social version of the NJEA Convention. She has traveled to a health spa in Georgia and to Hawaii on spouse-less vacations, as well as to sisters-only gatherings along the Maryland shore.

I can't complain about being left behind. I attend the Writers at the Beach Conference in Rehoboth Beach, Del., each March, the biennial Geraldine R. Dodge Poetry Festival in Stanhope, Sussex County, regularly host my buddies for golf weekends at the Jersey shore, and for years I broke away for father-and-son weekends of camping, canoeing and hiking.

"When the relationship is intact, occasional separate vacations can add a terrific dimension to your marriage," says clinical psychologist, Dr. Ruth Peters, a contributor to NBC's Today show. "A committed monogamous relationship shouldn't mean giving up who you are or your independent activities: career, friends, interests or all previous traditions (ski trip with the guys, shopping in the city with the ladies)."

Dr. Allen Carter, a psychologist and professor at Morehouse College in Atlanta, agrees.

"I don't care how close you are to each other, sometimes you need that distance. It's part of any relationship, the need for closeness and the need for distance," Carter said.

There is certainly a powerful marital energy that results from working together to accomplish a project, whether it is raising a child, establishing a home or planning for those retirement years. But we also realize that there are times when both of us benefit from some quiet time alone. Early in our marriage, we established the acronym LMAT. It stands for Leave Me Alone Time.

There are many activities and interests that my wife and I continue to share. We are members of two dinner groups, we regularly go on "dates" to the movies or to the theater and we play golf together. Currently we are finalizing plans to attend the Edward Hopper Exhibit at the National Gallery of Art in Washington, combining a visit with our son.

In short, a good marriage necessitates communication, caring and compromise -- the three C's. If we married our clone, there would be little room for growth.

We choose to celebrate our dynamic differences in interests. But, if you happen to see us walking hand-in-hand down the Ocean City Boardwalk, you might just see our figures blend into one, as we continue walking straight ahead to our happily married futures.

Doug Otto is a private school superintendent living in Haddonfield, NJ. He writes feature articles for magazines and newspapers, and also leads writing and poetry workshops. He can be reached at DougOttoWrites@gmail.com

Published: November 13. 2007 3:10AM

The First Boomer Was A Jersey Girl

MY TURN column published in
The Courier Post
(August 28, 2007)

By Doug Otto

One of the more challenging aspects of writing a monthly column like this one, is generating a fresh topic. Sometimes it requires research and digging up facts; other times it jumps up and stares you in the face.

“Why don’t you write about the first baby boomer,” my executive assistant suggested.

“Great idea,” I responded. “If I only knew where to find him.”

“You mean ‘her’,” she said. “And all you had to do was ask me. We used to be neighbors, right here in South Jersey. Would you like her phone number?”

Always one to answer the door when opportunity comes knocking, I picked-up the phone and was soon speaking with Kathy Casey-Kirschling, identified as America’s honest-to-goodness official first “baby boomer,” born one second after midnight on Jan. 1, 1946 in Philadelphia’s St.Agnes Hospital. She grew-up in Pennsauken, attended Camden Catholic High School (directly across Cuthbert Boulevard from the Courier-Post), lived in Cherry Hill, and presently resides in Maryland, where she keeps a boat aptly christened: “First Boomer.”

While Casey-Kirschling doesn’t necessarily regard herself as the spokesperson for her generation, she has been depicted as the manifestation of a social phenomenon. She has experienced all the joy and pain that comes with notoriety: career, marriage, children, divorce, remarriage, grandchildren, and retirement.

I posed seven questions to her, gaining insight into our area’s brush with boomer history.

Q: When did you discover you were the “first boomer” ?

A: I was 34 years old in 1980, when I was contacted by Landon Jones, the editor of Money Magazine, who was writing a book, “Great Expectations: America and the Baby Boom Generation.” Through his research, he discovered that I was born one-second after midnight on January 1, 1946 in Philadelphia, and that I was considered the first boomer in the country. His book popularized the term, “baby boomer.” Since then, I’ve been contacted at all the important turning points, like when I turned 40, 50 and again when I turned 60.”

Q: How has the distinction of being “first” affected your life?

A: Well, everyone in the United States knows my age. It’s a good thing I’m not vain. Since my story has been told in many magazines and on television, I’ve been able to reflect on all the good and bad that has happened to us.

I don’t think I totally understood what being a boomer meant, even though I’m living through it. I’ve learned a lot more about all the influence we’ve had as a generation. Our generation did many great things, and there are a lot of great people in our generation. They also did a lot of very negative and selfish things. We were pretty self-absorbed at times. We wanted to change the world. We thought we could do anything.


Q: How has the media played a part in your life?

A: I’ve appeared on NBC's Today show, the CBS Evening News, and on CNN on New Year's Day. I’ve had articles written in Money Magazine and Smithsonian. In fact, I’m scheduled to be on a show later this month, broadcast from Washington, D.C., called the Daily Café. The topic, of course, is baby boomers.

I’ve co-authored a book, “More than a Bathroom Guide to Baby Boomers: A historically accurate guide to the past 60 years of the Baby Boomer Generation.” It is currently being restructured and reprinted, all 500-pages of it.


Q: What life/career path have you taken so far?

A: I was a late bloomer out of Camden Catholic High School. After some years as an x-ray technician, and getting married, I earned my Bachelor’s Degree in Nutrition. Then I attended St. Joseph’s University, and received a Masters Degree in Health Education. I taught middle school for 14-years: one year at the private Archway School in Atco, and then at Pennsauken Middle School, before retiring.

I went down to New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina as a disaster instructor; thousands of baby boomers came down to help. We want to stay useful. We have a drive to stay healthy and try to keep the energy up.

Q: What boomer milestones remain with you today?

A: There are three. The JFK assassination in Dallas tormented me. I remember vividly watching the funeral procession while in high school. Then there was the Viet Nam War. My first husband was a military doctor who was shipped-out one month after our wedding in1966. The third was the importance of the Civil Rights Movement during our time.


Q: What South Jersey memories do you have?

A: Oh, my years in high school were just the best years; they were fun and wonderful. I had great friends growing up in Pennsauken and lived in a great neighborhood. We would walk to Camden Catholic all the way from the other side of Route 130 and Browning Road.

I was in the glee club and all the plays, and I’m now on the school’s Reunion Committee. I danced on Dick Clark’s American Bandstand in Philly, and I was a semi-regular at Dancette in Oaklyn.


Q: What do you see ahead for the Boomer Generation, as we enter our retirement years?

A: Many of us are starting to deal with health issues like heart problems and diabetes. We never thought this would happen to us; we were never going to get old. Today many more of us are aware and have been educated; it’s still scary and kind of threatening.

From a professional standpoint, boomers are great workers who may not want to retire completely. We don’t want to give-up that control. We’ll have to make adjustments, as we look forward to many good, enjoyable years that don’t include sitting around in a rocking chair.


Doug Otto is a private-school superintendent living in Haddonfield, NJ, He writes feature articles for magazines and newspapers, and also leads writing and poetry workshops. He can be reached at: DougOttoWrites@gmail.com